Do you ever feel like you're completely and utterly hopeless?
That feeling of sudden sadness comes upon me at the strangest times. I can be happy moments before and then I'm miserable, all in the blink of an eye. It's as though sometimes nothing I can do is good enough to warrant pride in myself... I feel as though I'm being stifled, even though my family encourage self-expression. They worry because I can't really portray my emotions in a natural way a lot of the time. I turn quiet and awkward and unresponsive for no reason, and I know that I'm doing it but I can't make myself look any happier or excited without it seeming forced. And then when I panic and get upset for no reason, and react angrily, I get reprimanded for being irrational.
Photography, generally, amongst writing and photomanipulation, is my main outlet, but even when I'm expanding my experience and knowledge I feel as though I'm moving further away from the things I want to achieve. Wedding photographer is not the direction I want to head in, and neither is child, pet or general photography. I want to do fashion, but whenever I do a shoot I feel the need to over-edit and smooth out the creases in my models, despite the fact that I'm not being true to my own creativity and preferences, and that is probably holding me back too.
I covet the more raw, untamed elegance and beauty that is often captured in natural expression in the moments that often go unnoticed. And I like texture in the skin and soul in the eyes, and yet I reduce my images to nothing and ruin them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm turning over a new leaf, and I'm trying to remain confident, and I'm trying to understand that I can't just walk into fashion like I'd like to, and I have to do the things I don't like to get to the things that I do like. Self improvement is key. And I'm always going to have shit moments or days or weeks, but I'll be fine in the end.
That feeling of sudden sadness comes upon me at the strangest times. I can be happy moments before and then I'm miserable, all in the blink of an eye. It's as though sometimes nothing I can do is good enough to warrant pride in myself... I feel as though I'm being stifled, even though my family encourage self-expression. They worry because I can't really portray my emotions in a natural way a lot of the time. I turn quiet and awkward and unresponsive for no reason, and I know that I'm doing it but I can't make myself look any happier or excited without it seeming forced. And then when I panic and get upset for no reason, and react angrily, I get reprimanded for being irrational.
Photography, generally, amongst writing and photomanipulation, is my main outlet, but even when I'm expanding my experience and knowledge I feel as though I'm moving further away from the things I want to achieve. Wedding photographer is not the direction I want to head in, and neither is child, pet or general photography. I want to do fashion, but whenever I do a shoot I feel the need to over-edit and smooth out the creases in my models, despite the fact that I'm not being true to my own creativity and preferences, and that is probably holding me back too.
I covet the more raw, untamed elegance and beauty that is often captured in natural expression in the moments that often go unnoticed. And I like texture in the skin and soul in the eyes, and yet I reduce my images to nothing and ruin them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm turning over a new leaf, and I'm trying to remain confident, and I'm trying to understand that I can't just walk into fashion like I'd like to, and I have to do the things I don't like to get to the things that I do like. Self improvement is key. And I'm always going to have shit moments or days or weeks, but I'll be fine in the end.
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